I give up...again

Whats wrong with me? i could count them all becaus sadly i still remember them. the men i have loved and they all leave. some of them have the nuts to tell me and some just disappear without ever saying why. i think that hurts worse, it makes me think there is something wrong with me. and i guess there is. its the only thing that make sense why they all leave why everyone around me just seems to find someone easily!! argg i'm so fucking sick of it!!! why does it have to happen to every god damn person but me!! well i'm done, i will not open myself up to another fucking little prick just trying to get his own selfish needs. i'm done with all of you, if my man really is out there, then sorry but your just going to have to find someone else, thats what everyone else does and they all live happly ever after so i'm sure you'll be just fine to. and me? well i'll just be mom, and when erik leaves i'll go back, go back inside my mind to live with my muse voices, atleast then i wont be alone. why does it have to hurt so bad. i'm not that girl, i'm not the one, and i'll never be. i was never ment to be.

Doubts,Worries and Hesitantions

Of all the stores i've read, non of them really mentions the fact of how insecure caring for someone can make you. is he the one? i really have no idea, there are so many things about him i dont want to deal with. and thats what i've decided love is, finding someone whos shit you want to deal with.
He is a nice guy and everything, but he is kind of a dumbass, in a wierd way. he cant make choices and he dosent have a car or anything that he can offer me. is that really what i'm looking for? someone who can offer me something, i guess so. my life is hard enough, i think i should get some kind of freaking break. He is so nice that i dont want to tell him my doubts about us working. I'm clingly, i know this and its part of my personality, when i text or call someone, i except them to respond and not freaking ignore me because they are watching tv or playing a game. i gets under my skin so bad. I think its because i assume the worst, because when Nick was sleeping and fooling around with other women he would ignore me too and then make up lame ass excuses why he wasent talking to me and then i would just except them...i dont know why. i just know that i dont want to put myself in that posistion again. damnit just talk to me, and if thats not something you can deal with, then you are not the one.
One thing, he has not had sex, and thats not a bad thing but he also has a very small penis, now i'm not shallow enough to dump someone over that, but sex is really important to me. and can i be with a guy who cannot satisfy me...who cant even come close to penitration! and i dont want to hurt his feeling by telling him my worries, telling a guy he has a small penis isent exactly a great idea. but i dont know what to do. maybe he really just isent the guy for me. he is very immature and sometimes just acts like a total dumbass. and i hate being around those kind of people, they are annoying. he talks way to loud when we are in public, and he chews with my mouth open. watching a half eaten french free in someones mouth is enough to totally ruin your appitiet. Mom said i need to just be patient and wait for my perfect someone, and even though he is nice and a great guy, i dont think he is my one. I feel horrible, its never been me to break up with someone, and i still dont know if i can. but i cant keep lieing to myself and to him. its just not right.

Jello can never be cremeburla

Once again, this is what happens. You say i'm amazing. you've never met anyone like me, where have i been your whole life? your full of shit. and i eat it up because someone saying nice things about me is so nice to hear! you say i'm beautiful rather then fat and interesting rather then boring. i'm perfect, but then you leave. So happened about me that stopped being perfect, did you figure out that i'm turly nothing special. well you cant say i didnt tell you so. I am nothing that special, i'm like jello. there is nothing wrong with jello, but why would you want it if you can get something better, something that taste better, more exciting. i hate when this happens. once agian i'm not that girl, and i knew it! i fucking knew it wasent possible! why would i possibly want to go there again, on a hope? its bull shit, its all bullshit. i fucking hate you, every single one of you. Iam amazing, i dont know what changes all your minds and i dont care, your not worth me. your not worth my thoughts or my tears, because once again i'm not that girl, i'm fucking jello.