New years resolutions

okay so i dont normally do this stuff because i figured if you dont set goals then you never have a reason to be dissapointed, but its really the other way around. if you dont set goals you will always be dissapointed because you wont accomplish anything. so these are in no specfic order and i relize some of them may take longer then one year but here goes
1. Go to chruch at last 2 a month
2. Loose 25 lbs
3. Not having sex at all until i'm married
4. Get my GED and maybe start a semester of college
well i think those are it, if i think of anything else then i'll be sure to right them down. mostly i was just thinking of the things that really have made me unhappy and so i've decided to try and change them this coming year. i really hope it works.

The nutcracker

just went and saw the nutcracker ballet. and i really do love it. but there are things i didnt notice before. like the love that is involved in this story, but mostly sex because all art in their own form include some type of sex and love cant come with out it. but mostly its a story about loosing that innocence that makes you child, and nothing makes you loose your innocence faster then falling in love. and falling in love with a man in tights with a very tight ass is the best kind. The sad part is, and this could be just projecting, but i dont think he was in love with her. she saved his life and in return i think he just gave her an adventure, something wonderful to remember. Also its a story of another sooty little princess getting her way and having something fall all over her.
i cant help but really envy that love, even if it was never returned he was greatful and saw it as something so beautiful, enough that he showed her the wonders of something she wouldnt have otherwise ever known. oh the beauty, things i wish i could see, notice some type of wonderus thing, or an adventure like that, love that dosent even need to be returned but is simply enough.

Feelings

I had a dream. Erik was grown up and looked a lot like his uncle. but the point of the dream was that he left. he was old and it was time for him to go out on his own. but i was just standing there in the dark. i have no one. i get so mad at myself for feeling this way for stressing about being all alone but the truth is i feel alone now! why cant anyone hear my desperate cries for just someone to freaking talk to me!! but even when i'm with people, its only temporary, they are going to leave to and i'll still be exactly where i am now, alone and unable to go back to sleep because my mind wont just stop thinking about all the things i hate in my life, the things i cant or dont know how to change and nothing gets my blood boiling more then feeling out of control. and i am completly. i feel as though my life is in the hands of someone else and i just have to wait and see if they destory it or help me out. give me back my life, give me back my intenity. i said i wasent ready and that still stands, but damnit i dont want to be alone, i'm so sick of it! i cant even breath anymore because how badly i want someone to love me. so what do i do? sit and wait i guess because there isent shit i can do about this situation that i landed myself in. i just sit here and wait for things to change, for something to be differant, and if i'm lucky (fat chance) maybe it will even be better.
self loathing enough for you? good, try walking in my fucking shoes and then maybe you'll understand why woe is me.