dreams

I've been having some pretty messed up dreams, due to pregnancy hormones more then likely. Last night's dream was this. I died in child birth, but then I came back to tell Erik I wouldn't be around anymore and he put his head in my lap and cried and begged me not to leave him. I can't even type this down without starting to cry. But maybe writting down these dreams will help me to remember that they are just dreams. I don't have premonition powers. They do feel extremely real, but it's just a dream.

Coward

Around this time, every year. I think how horrible i'd feel if i had a nephew, or niece somewhere that i didnt know about, some little kid who shares my blood, maybe my features that i dont know, that i cant take to get icecream, that i cant buy a christmas present for. And then i start to feel really bad that Erik apparently has 3 aunts and one uncle, and 2 grandparents that dont know he exsists, all because I way too much of a coward to let them know. Anything can be found on the internet, once he was born i should have wrote them a letter, i should have let them all know. I was so scared what they might do, look at the person they raised, a person who would abondone the women he knocked up because "if i didnt want it, i shouldnt have to pay for it"
I wonder if he ever feels bad around this time of year, probably not
I wonder if he will ever tell them, probably not
I guess it dosent really matter now, Erik and I both have a true man now, who wont leave us just because life is diffacult, and who will be there for us no matter what.
I just cant help but feel guilty

man crushing

Sharing my thoughts about one of the coolest people. My favorite author, hands down, no doubts. Brandon Sanderson. He is my Doctor Who. The way he shows up and picks me up in his machine, which is bigger on the inside of course and takes me away to some far off land in space and time and we have some wonderful adventures. By the end, when its all done i'm sitting there wondering how can i possibly go back to my mundane life with all the things you've shown me.
His writing is really that real. I crave it, i cant get enough of it.
Anytime i hear a fantasy fiction fan has not read at least one of his novels i am automatically appalled and insist that they must read at least one, but they will not be able to stop at just one.
Brandon Sanderson picked up finishing The Wheel of Time, of series of books that took a mans entire lifetime to try and get done, which he was sadly unable to do. But here comes Sanderson not only seamlessly picking up where Robert Jordan left off, but at the same time paying homage to Jordan's wonderful world and characters, but making it better. Making the action more intense more interesting and more real.
I eagerly await every line you write Brandon

The other me

you know how i know i'm really struggling with something, it gets blogged about, something about seeing the words written down helps me figure stuff out, which is why no one but me reads this shit, anyway. Hi other Sierra, your the real sierra, i've known this for a while, sense i saw the pitiful exsists you were living and dragged your sorry ass out of hating yourself for something that wasent your fault, for thinking somehow that you desirved to feel this way, well damnit sierra your still feeling this way. How can i talk you into thinking differantly, how i can reprogam your mind into not thinking every damn little thing that goes wrong is all because of you. i know the thoughts in your head, because i'm there too, i feel and think them with you, which one of us is more scared of you taking the dominate roll is this mind. of feeling and thinking and doing the things we used to, listening to doing what everyone else says, just to feel the need to be loved, or for this circumtance, accepted. believe me, i know her, she is always there, she is a pitiful creature, no back bone, no stamania, no real personality, but she does have this drive, it would mean the world to her, for just your acceptance. but sense iam the domantant here, i have to try and dig her out of the despair she feels for not getting that acceptance. so what now? where can we possibly go from here?
There is 2 people who she really relys on for that love and acceptance, both she knows will not be around forever, one probably longer then the other. I know who you are Sierra, even if he dosent see it yet, he will, and he will leave, and then what? you'll just have me, or will your self pity take over my reason?
here is my peice of advice, if you can ever take it. just try your best, and let that be good enough, you should never try and please anyone, ever, you should do as you see fit and right. and thats good enough, you'll never be the person you want to be, because thats just not you, but you can be the person to make your own choices and be okay with that. so just be okay with that, you'll be okay, this mind has the 2 of us, you'll be okay because you'll always have me

-izzy

Life as a house, A house with many pesonalities, The house that binds us, The same house that tears us apart.

Interesting how what i've come to look as a prison of sort was created and then finished for something noble, for love, maybe a little bit for pride, for a sense of doing something great. and now, well? the thing that was created to bring people together, designed to hold a gathering a people, and a horde of food, good times, laughter and family, now we are all trapped, in a place that cost too much money to keep afloat, the very air breathed filled with resentment and bad feelings. The resentment of one women in paticluar who feels the need to keep everyone together, to keep the feeling of family that the house was supposed to bring, the same women, torn apart by her own failer. and how long will be now before the feelings started and bridges burned turn into a flaming pile of rubble and mess to deep for our family to crawl out of this time. a house that was started with nobility, now something shameful, worst of all, something i never knew my family had in them, Greed. I fear it will only get worse, I watch that one women struggle to keep everything going, while the rest have giving up, no longer fighting to keep the flames away, resigned to be cosumed in their own way. Good luck to that one women, because I have giving up with the rest of them, the house needs to burn, and all the bad feelings with it, I can only hope my small family is far away when as they say "the shit really hits the fan"

My friends (to the tune of a yo gabba gabba song)

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Jenny is my best friend she is so small and cute
she likes to wear big heels and pink
she is the one who's there for me
reminds me who I am

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Mitchell is so big and warm
I want to kiss all day
and even though I bitch and cling he loves me anyway

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Cassie is a flake sometimes
sometimes she's here sometimes she's not
Even though i'm mad at times
she lightens up my heart.

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Sheri is my aunt and friend
I know its kind of wierd
she dosent judge or point
and loves the way you are

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same.

Erik is so blonde and cute
he is my first born son
even though he breaks and runs
he has a loving heart.

So many good friends we know
All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Some things ARE better left unsaid

The more interactions i have with people this simple fact has really stood out to me, some things are better left unsaid. Here is a huge, momumental thought! when you are about to say something, and its something that will make someone feel bad about themselves, or make them feel stupid, or even not wanted, dont freaking say it!
I understand our need to have our opinions heard, and it really is a great thing that we live in a world where our opinions can be heard, its amazing really, but with that choice to have your opinions heard, that is also the good choice of sometimes just keeping silent. because seriously why would you intentionaly say something that would hurt someone you love.
I'm not talking about just mention something in passing that hurts an extremely senstive people and you cant always pretict how your words will effect others. but use good judgement, these are people you know! people who you have been around for a long time, you know the things that hurt them, why in the love of god would you just say something hurtful! get a blog! if its really that important to you to be heard, more important then the ones you love, then get your opinion to yourself, where it wont cause horrible contention and hurt people. and if what you say does hurt people, have the good will to say sorry, that these are the people that you love and that love you, would you really let petty differances, disagreements and down right stupid dramatic crap, get in the way of you loving the people that you should. So lets let it go, get over it, remember that what you say really does effect others and learn to act more responsable towards your words.
why can't we all just get along, why? because people are way to complex to understand their train of thoughts and what guids their actions, but that never means you should stop trying