I'm being haunted

forever haunted by the pain you put me through. those words keep going through my head as a sit in my bed at night hearing creeks and groans, protests of the floor boards or my dark thoughts. i cant escape the feeling of being watched, judged by you. why wont you leave me in peace, to live and just for the moment to sleep. isent it enough to have hurt me then, but to creep into my thoughts at the quietest part of the night, to consume and slaughter all other thoughts from my head. why, why haunt me, why not let me forget you. i only want to sleep.

New years resolutions

okay so i dont normally do this stuff because i figured if you dont set goals then you never have a reason to be dissapointed, but its really the other way around. if you dont set goals you will always be dissapointed because you wont accomplish anything. so these are in no specfic order and i relize some of them may take longer then one year but here goes
1. Go to chruch at last 2 a month
2. Loose 25 lbs
3. Not having sex at all until i'm married
4. Get my GED and maybe start a semester of college
well i think those are it, if i think of anything else then i'll be sure to right them down. mostly i was just thinking of the things that really have made me unhappy and so i've decided to try and change them this coming year. i really hope it works.

The nutcracker

just went and saw the nutcracker ballet. and i really do love it. but there are things i didnt notice before. like the love that is involved in this story, but mostly sex because all art in their own form include some type of sex and love cant come with out it. but mostly its a story about loosing that innocence that makes you child, and nothing makes you loose your innocence faster then falling in love. and falling in love with a man in tights with a very tight ass is the best kind. The sad part is, and this could be just projecting, but i dont think he was in love with her. she saved his life and in return i think he just gave her an adventure, something wonderful to remember. Also its a story of another sooty little princess getting her way and having something fall all over her.
i cant help but really envy that love, even if it was never returned he was greatful and saw it as something so beautiful, enough that he showed her the wonders of something she wouldnt have otherwise ever known. oh the beauty, things i wish i could see, notice some type of wonderus thing, or an adventure like that, love that dosent even need to be returned but is simply enough.

Feelings

I had a dream. Erik was grown up and looked a lot like his uncle. but the point of the dream was that he left. he was old and it was time for him to go out on his own. but i was just standing there in the dark. i have no one. i get so mad at myself for feeling this way for stressing about being all alone but the truth is i feel alone now! why cant anyone hear my desperate cries for just someone to freaking talk to me!! but even when i'm with people, its only temporary, they are going to leave to and i'll still be exactly where i am now, alone and unable to go back to sleep because my mind wont just stop thinking about all the things i hate in my life, the things i cant or dont know how to change and nothing gets my blood boiling more then feeling out of control. and i am completly. i feel as though my life is in the hands of someone else and i just have to wait and see if they destory it or help me out. give me back my life, give me back my intenity. i said i wasent ready and that still stands, but damnit i dont want to be alone, i'm so sick of it! i cant even breath anymore because how badly i want someone to love me. so what do i do? sit and wait i guess because there isent shit i can do about this situation that i landed myself in. i just sit here and wait for things to change, for something to be differant, and if i'm lucky (fat chance) maybe it will even be better.
self loathing enough for you? good, try walking in my fucking shoes and then maybe you'll understand why woe is me.

I give up...again

Whats wrong with me? i could count them all becaus sadly i still remember them. the men i have loved and they all leave. some of them have the nuts to tell me and some just disappear without ever saying why. i think that hurts worse, it makes me think there is something wrong with me. and i guess there is. its the only thing that make sense why they all leave why everyone around me just seems to find someone easily!! argg i'm so fucking sick of it!!! why does it have to happen to every god damn person but me!! well i'm done, i will not open myself up to another fucking little prick just trying to get his own selfish needs. i'm done with all of you, if my man really is out there, then sorry but your just going to have to find someone else, thats what everyone else does and they all live happly ever after so i'm sure you'll be just fine to. and me? well i'll just be mom, and when erik leaves i'll go back, go back inside my mind to live with my muse voices, atleast then i wont be alone. why does it have to hurt so bad. i'm not that girl, i'm not the one, and i'll never be. i was never ment to be.

Doubts,Worries and Hesitantions

Of all the stores i've read, non of them really mentions the fact of how insecure caring for someone can make you. is he the one? i really have no idea, there are so many things about him i dont want to deal with. and thats what i've decided love is, finding someone whos shit you want to deal with.
He is a nice guy and everything, but he is kind of a dumbass, in a wierd way. he cant make choices and he dosent have a car or anything that he can offer me. is that really what i'm looking for? someone who can offer me something, i guess so. my life is hard enough, i think i should get some kind of freaking break. He is so nice that i dont want to tell him my doubts about us working. I'm clingly, i know this and its part of my personality, when i text or call someone, i except them to respond and not freaking ignore me because they are watching tv or playing a game. i gets under my skin so bad. I think its because i assume the worst, because when Nick was sleeping and fooling around with other women he would ignore me too and then make up lame ass excuses why he wasent talking to me and then i would just except them...i dont know why. i just know that i dont want to put myself in that posistion again. damnit just talk to me, and if thats not something you can deal with, then you are not the one.
One thing, he has not had sex, and thats not a bad thing but he also has a very small penis, now i'm not shallow enough to dump someone over that, but sex is really important to me. and can i be with a guy who cannot satisfy me...who cant even come close to penitration! and i dont want to hurt his feeling by telling him my worries, telling a guy he has a small penis isent exactly a great idea. but i dont know what to do. maybe he really just isent the guy for me. he is very immature and sometimes just acts like a total dumbass. and i hate being around those kind of people, they are annoying. he talks way to loud when we are in public, and he chews with my mouth open. watching a half eaten french free in someones mouth is enough to totally ruin your appitiet. Mom said i need to just be patient and wait for my perfect someone, and even though he is nice and a great guy, i dont think he is my one. I feel horrible, its never been me to break up with someone, and i still dont know if i can. but i cant keep lieing to myself and to him. its just not right.

Jello can never be cremeburla

Once again, this is what happens. You say i'm amazing. you've never met anyone like me, where have i been your whole life? your full of shit. and i eat it up because someone saying nice things about me is so nice to hear! you say i'm beautiful rather then fat and interesting rather then boring. i'm perfect, but then you leave. So happened about me that stopped being perfect, did you figure out that i'm turly nothing special. well you cant say i didnt tell you so. I am nothing that special, i'm like jello. there is nothing wrong with jello, but why would you want it if you can get something better, something that taste better, more exciting. i hate when this happens. once agian i'm not that girl, and i knew it! i fucking knew it wasent possible! why would i possibly want to go there again, on a hope? its bull shit, its all bullshit. i fucking hate you, every single one of you. Iam amazing, i dont know what changes all your minds and i dont care, your not worth me. your not worth my thoughts or my tears, because once again i'm not that girl, i'm fucking jello.