obessed much?

Marriage....Why do have the overwelming desire to get married, it is because i have found the person i want to get married to? why am i unable to just enjoy the way things are like he does, he dosent seem to dwell on getting married every second of the day and everyday i see people who are getting married, wedding pictures or even ads for rings it brings back that incredable longing, like i havent had food for weeks, its a pain deep down and i just want to crawl away and hid instead of facing that he isent asking me! and i dont think he isent asking because he dosent love me or he is to scared, i think he is scared yes, as everyone should be i just dont think he really thinks about it, not like i do. not this longing to have him stay, wake up with him in the morning, make him breakfast and come home to me after work everday day, watch erik and sit with us when its time for dinner, i just want him to be there all the day, i'm done with this dating stuff, i'm ready to move on, i'm ready to be married to him. so what do i do until he is ready, until he finally asks..do i just wait and try not to think about how much i want it. i dont want to spend a lot of money, i just care to be with him, whats the point in waiting any longer if we know, and theres the questions...does he know i am the one? does he know i am who he wants to marry? and if so, whats the hold up?

I had a dream

so i had this dream where Nick killed himself and was hauting me, trying to tell me how sorry he was. and i woke up thinking, i wish that was read. i wish he really had killed himself but when your in the state of mind for suicide your just in so much pain there is no other way for it to stop and i want him to feel that pain, and i want him to suffer as much as he made me suffer and just the glimmer of a fact that he couldnt stomach that pain when i could brings some kind of vindication. like i'm stronger then him, i'm the better person. which sure we already knew that. but still, do you think its kind of sick to wish so much pain on another person? i suppose it is, but this just isent any person, this is Nick, the man who not just left me to do the hardest thing any person has to go through, but he abused me, he trying manulamting me into things i never wanted to do and some things it worked and thankfully with others it didnt. but still i can hear his voice in my head convincing me of my worthlesness and it drives me mad, so why wouldnt i want him to suffer enough to bring about his own death to hope that however way he dies i hope its painful, not some whimpy way like taking pills, but slowly watching his blood leave his body or put the gun in his mouth and with sheer desperation pull the trigger. and then there is the glimmer of hope that he is gone for this world forever and will never come back here to try and manpulate me ever again or erik or try and hurt use. to have him gone forever, really gone.

The bad girlfriend

oh so i'm the bad girlfriend? i'm the bad one huh, yeah that makes alot of fucking sense, because you were the one who would just come over and pretend that you werent intersting, and just tease making me feel like shit, like i wasent even good enough for your attention. and then you just left to go take care of your friend and then told me you call me back and then never did, fuck being a bad boyfriend, what kind of person just dosent talk to someone, i would have atleast told you it wasent working out and not just pretending like you didnt exsist. what a way to break your old habits, bieng an asshole. i guess once and ass always an ass. just go fuck yourself you redneck, illerate, discusting cowboy. your always be alone because you have no idea how to treat a good women.

I'm being haunted

forever haunted by the pain you put me through. those words keep going through my head as a sit in my bed at night hearing creeks and groans, protests of the floor boards or my dark thoughts. i cant escape the feeling of being watched, judged by you. why wont you leave me in peace, to live and just for the moment to sleep. isent it enough to have hurt me then, but to creep into my thoughts at the quietest part of the night, to consume and slaughter all other thoughts from my head. why, why haunt me, why not let me forget you. i only want to sleep.

New years resolutions

okay so i dont normally do this stuff because i figured if you dont set goals then you never have a reason to be dissapointed, but its really the other way around. if you dont set goals you will always be dissapointed because you wont accomplish anything. so these are in no specfic order and i relize some of them may take longer then one year but here goes
1. Go to chruch at last 2 a month
2. Loose 25 lbs
3. Not having sex at all until i'm married
4. Get my GED and maybe start a semester of college
well i think those are it, if i think of anything else then i'll be sure to right them down. mostly i was just thinking of the things that really have made me unhappy and so i've decided to try and change them this coming year. i really hope it works.

The nutcracker

just went and saw the nutcracker ballet. and i really do love it. but there are things i didnt notice before. like the love that is involved in this story, but mostly sex because all art in their own form include some type of sex and love cant come with out it. but mostly its a story about loosing that innocence that makes you child, and nothing makes you loose your innocence faster then falling in love. and falling in love with a man in tights with a very tight ass is the best kind. The sad part is, and this could be just projecting, but i dont think he was in love with her. she saved his life and in return i think he just gave her an adventure, something wonderful to remember. Also its a story of another sooty little princess getting her way and having something fall all over her.
i cant help but really envy that love, even if it was never returned he was greatful and saw it as something so beautiful, enough that he showed her the wonders of something she wouldnt have otherwise ever known. oh the beauty, things i wish i could see, notice some type of wonderus thing, or an adventure like that, love that dosent even need to be returned but is simply enough.

Feelings

I had a dream. Erik was grown up and looked a lot like his uncle. but the point of the dream was that he left. he was old and it was time for him to go out on his own. but i was just standing there in the dark. i have no one. i get so mad at myself for feeling this way for stressing about being all alone but the truth is i feel alone now! why cant anyone hear my desperate cries for just someone to freaking talk to me!! but even when i'm with people, its only temporary, they are going to leave to and i'll still be exactly where i am now, alone and unable to go back to sleep because my mind wont just stop thinking about all the things i hate in my life, the things i cant or dont know how to change and nothing gets my blood boiling more then feeling out of control. and i am completly. i feel as though my life is in the hands of someone else and i just have to wait and see if they destory it or help me out. give me back my life, give me back my intenity. i said i wasent ready and that still stands, but damnit i dont want to be alone, i'm so sick of it! i cant even breath anymore because how badly i want someone to love me. so what do i do? sit and wait i guess because there isent shit i can do about this situation that i landed myself in. i just sit here and wait for things to change, for something to be differant, and if i'm lucky (fat chance) maybe it will even be better.
self loathing enough for you? good, try walking in my fucking shoes and then maybe you'll understand why woe is me.