The other me

you know how i know i'm really struggling with something, it gets blogged about, something about seeing the words written down helps me figure stuff out, which is why no one but me reads this shit, anyway. Hi other Sierra, your the real sierra, i've known this for a while, sense i saw the pitiful exsists you were living and dragged your sorry ass out of hating yourself for something that wasent your fault, for thinking somehow that you desirved to feel this way, well damnit sierra your still feeling this way. How can i talk you into thinking differantly, how i can reprogam your mind into not thinking every damn little thing that goes wrong is all because of you. i know the thoughts in your head, because i'm there too, i feel and think them with you, which one of us is more scared of you taking the dominate roll is this mind. of feeling and thinking and doing the things we used to, listening to doing what everyone else says, just to feel the need to be loved, or for this circumtance, accepted. believe me, i know her, she is always there, she is a pitiful creature, no back bone, no stamania, no real personality, but she does have this drive, it would mean the world to her, for just your acceptance. but sense iam the domantant here, i have to try and dig her out of the despair she feels for not getting that acceptance. so what now? where can we possibly go from here?
There is 2 people who she really relys on for that love and acceptance, both she knows will not be around forever, one probably longer then the other. I know who you are Sierra, even if he dosent see it yet, he will, and he will leave, and then what? you'll just have me, or will your self pity take over my reason?
here is my peice of advice, if you can ever take it. just try your best, and let that be good enough, you should never try and please anyone, ever, you should do as you see fit and right. and thats good enough, you'll never be the person you want to be, because thats just not you, but you can be the person to make your own choices and be okay with that. so just be okay with that, you'll be okay, this mind has the 2 of us, you'll be okay because you'll always have me

-izzy

Life as a house, A house with many pesonalities, The house that binds us, The same house that tears us apart.

Interesting how what i've come to look as a prison of sort was created and then finished for something noble, for love, maybe a little bit for pride, for a sense of doing something great. and now, well? the thing that was created to bring people together, designed to hold a gathering a people, and a horde of food, good times, laughter and family, now we are all trapped, in a place that cost too much money to keep afloat, the very air breathed filled with resentment and bad feelings. The resentment of one women in paticluar who feels the need to keep everyone together, to keep the feeling of family that the house was supposed to bring, the same women, torn apart by her own failer. and how long will be now before the feelings started and bridges burned turn into a flaming pile of rubble and mess to deep for our family to crawl out of this time. a house that was started with nobility, now something shameful, worst of all, something i never knew my family had in them, Greed. I fear it will only get worse, I watch that one women struggle to keep everything going, while the rest have giving up, no longer fighting to keep the flames away, resigned to be cosumed in their own way. Good luck to that one women, because I have giving up with the rest of them, the house needs to burn, and all the bad feelings with it, I can only hope my small family is far away when as they say "the shit really hits the fan"

My friends (to the tune of a yo gabba gabba song)

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Jenny is my best friend she is so small and cute
she likes to wear big heels and pink
she is the one who's there for me
reminds me who I am

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Mitchell is so big and warm
I want to kiss all day
and even though I bitch and cling he loves me anyway

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Cassie is a flake sometimes
sometimes she's here sometimes she's not
Even though i'm mad at times
she lightens up my heart.

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Sheri is my aunt and friend
I know its kind of wierd
she dosent judge or point
and loves the way you are

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same.

Erik is so blonde and cute
he is my first born son
even though he breaks and runs
he has a loving heart.

So many good friends we know
All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Some things ARE better left unsaid

The more interactions i have with people this simple fact has really stood out to me, some things are better left unsaid. Here is a huge, momumental thought! when you are about to say something, and its something that will make someone feel bad about themselves, or make them feel stupid, or even not wanted, dont freaking say it!
I understand our need to have our opinions heard, and it really is a great thing that we live in a world where our opinions can be heard, its amazing really, but with that choice to have your opinions heard, that is also the good choice of sometimes just keeping silent. because seriously why would you intentionaly say something that would hurt someone you love.
I'm not talking about just mention something in passing that hurts an extremely senstive people and you cant always pretict how your words will effect others. but use good judgement, these are people you know! people who you have been around for a long time, you know the things that hurt them, why in the love of god would you just say something hurtful! get a blog! if its really that important to you to be heard, more important then the ones you love, then get your opinion to yourself, where it wont cause horrible contention and hurt people. and if what you say does hurt people, have the good will to say sorry, that these are the people that you love and that love you, would you really let petty differances, disagreements and down right stupid dramatic crap, get in the way of you loving the people that you should. So lets let it go, get over it, remember that what you say really does effect others and learn to act more responsable towards your words.
why can't we all just get along, why? because people are way to complex to understand their train of thoughts and what guids their actions, but that never means you should stop trying

the greatest thing you'll learn is to love

wow, Mitch did it, he really purposed to me. Friday night was my monthly game night planned, i had been planning it for a month. it was just time for everyone to get together and play games and have a good time, apparently around this same time, mitch bought a ring, and wow what a beautiful ring it is. Anyway, a lot of people where there and we were playing the game of things, and i was stuffing my face with chip dip when the question was read, things you wait for, and one answer was "marriage purposal" and someone, i dont even know who, said mitch was that you, and he said yes and gets down on one knee and pulls out a little red box with my most perfect ring inside. Apart from trying to swallow chips and throw myself at him at the same time i managed to say yes, then he calls erik over and gives him a ring pop and asks to marry him too, of course erik said yes and sucked on the ring pop the whole night. It was amazing, everything i ever pictured, it was so touching that i still want to cry just thinking about it, and i cant stop looking down at my now bejewled finger. I keep thinking it was all a dream because thats how perfect it was, haha i'm sure the next year is not going to be perfect, what with figure out adoption and finding a place to live and orginize our wedding, but i couldnt be more excited for all of it, i want to get started right away, i'm ready for my new family.
and i just want to say this
Nick you stupid jackass, you were totally wrong, about me, about erik and about everything else, you are not the only man who would have me, because i found one who will not only have me but loves so much for exactly the person that i am, fat rolls, weird shapped butt and all my flaws. I only hope we can do the adoption without getting you involved, but if we do i can now say that i can look at you with complete indifferance, you don't matter to our life anymore, and the things you have done to both of us arnt worth thinking about anymore.
And to my soon to be husband, i love you so much and i cant wait to really start our lifes together, all the fights and make up sex and even hallway sex. you are my perfect man, and i really believe we are made for each other.

not a normal 20-something

So I went to a club on saturday and even though it was certianlly interesting to really see how this so called "night life" sort of exsist, it sort of made me relize while spending time with these people that i'm not really a normal 20-something real old. They are all so full of life, and its not like teenagers were their choices dont matter because they dont effect them, 20 somethings know thier choices matter and they are soft of coming to terms with that, and relishing just in that fact of life, and what better way to celebrate life then dancing in a sort of sexual suggestive manner to music that ( in my opinion) has no real depth or purpose other then to just dance suggestivelly. And even though it was fun to kind of step into that life for only a few min, its just not me. When i drink, its more like a relaxing thing, like the alchocol sort of allows my mind to calm down and not stress or think about soooo many things, so when i drink i like to sit and relax, but apparently, as i found out from 2 very nice competely drunk guys, that i wasent having a good time. and that made me think, to these people who are celebrating their applity to finally relish in what life really has to offer, me sitting there nursing my drink would seem a little bit of a downer, but to me, a single mother who spends her days worrying about diapers and nuturtion and money, sitting their nursing my drink is freaking bliss!
Now i'm not sure if its just because of who iam that makes me think i'm differant, because in all fairness i only saw these people having a good time, and i'm sure they have many stresses too, but even to sit back and have a good time in that way? is that what all 20 somethings feel? does being a mother really effect my brain so much that iam unable to really function as a 20 something?
Best part of the night was watching the weird ass music videos for these songs, they just make me laugh! its so odd that when the music video for "i like big butts" came out it was like sooo wrong, but now, well hell if there isent some shaking butt action in a music video then its just not popular

Stupid little boy

I'm so sick of this, i know i have said that before, but i really cant wait any long. I'm tired of being the only damn parent when i was thinking all along that you actually wanted to be apart of this, but i guess you dont, it will always be me without you ever fucking around to help, nope all you do is get off work and go watch tv and play your damn games, and it probably dosent even ever fucking cross your mind that we need you. its like being in the exact same situation as i was before, stuck in this sort of muddy gross pit of hell stuck with a person who never wants to get out so i'm stuck there with them. you don't want to be with me otherwise you would have by now. or maybe you should sit me down and explain to me why exactly you cant afford a 100 dollar ring because i dont get it!! i dont get what the hell is taking so long and i'm sick of waiting, i'm just done, its never going anywhere and you are never going to do the thing you should so. why you wont i have no fucking clue because it is completly obviouse that i'am the best thing thats happened to you and your just a stupid boy who thinks i will just be around forever for you little fun on the weekend and i'll just be okay with that because i'm a stupid fucking girl, i hate you, i hate you so much for doing this to me. I thought finding someone who loved me would mean i wouldnt have to feel alone, but i feel more alone then ever, because your never around and thats never going to change, i just have to get used to it, but i'm not going to, i will leave you, is that what you want? if not then get off your fucking ass and commit to me already.