I give up...again

Whats wrong with me? i could count them all becaus sadly i still remember them. the men i have loved and they all leave. some of them have the nuts to tell me and some just disappear without ever saying why. i think that hurts worse, it makes me think there is something wrong with me. and i guess there is. its the only thing that make sense why they all leave why everyone around me just seems to find someone easily!! argg i'm so fucking sick of it!!! why does it have to happen to every god damn person but me!! well i'm done, i will not open myself up to another fucking little prick just trying to get his own selfish needs. i'm done with all of you, if my man really is out there, then sorry but your just going to have to find someone else, thats what everyone else does and they all live happly ever after so i'm sure you'll be just fine to. and me? well i'll just be mom, and when erik leaves i'll go back, go back inside my mind to live with my muse voices, atleast then i wont be alone. why does it have to hurt so bad. i'm not that girl, i'm not the one, and i'll never be. i was never ment to be.

Doubts,Worries and Hesitantions

Of all the stores i've read, non of them really mentions the fact of how insecure caring for someone can make you. is he the one? i really have no idea, there are so many things about him i dont want to deal with. and thats what i've decided love is, finding someone whos shit you want to deal with.
He is a nice guy and everything, but he is kind of a dumbass, in a wierd way. he cant make choices and he dosent have a car or anything that he can offer me. is that really what i'm looking for? someone who can offer me something, i guess so. my life is hard enough, i think i should get some kind of freaking break. He is so nice that i dont want to tell him my doubts about us working. I'm clingly, i know this and its part of my personality, when i text or call someone, i except them to respond and not freaking ignore me because they are watching tv or playing a game. i gets under my skin so bad. I think its because i assume the worst, because when Nick was sleeping and fooling around with other women he would ignore me too and then make up lame ass excuses why he wasent talking to me and then i would just except them...i dont know why. i just know that i dont want to put myself in that posistion again. damnit just talk to me, and if thats not something you can deal with, then you are not the one.
One thing, he has not had sex, and thats not a bad thing but he also has a very small penis, now i'm not shallow enough to dump someone over that, but sex is really important to me. and can i be with a guy who cannot satisfy me...who cant even come close to penitration! and i dont want to hurt his feeling by telling him my worries, telling a guy he has a small penis isent exactly a great idea. but i dont know what to do. maybe he really just isent the guy for me. he is very immature and sometimes just acts like a total dumbass. and i hate being around those kind of people, they are annoying. he talks way to loud when we are in public, and he chews with my mouth open. watching a half eaten french free in someones mouth is enough to totally ruin your appitiet. Mom said i need to just be patient and wait for my perfect someone, and even though he is nice and a great guy, i dont think he is my one. I feel horrible, its never been me to break up with someone, and i still dont know if i can. but i cant keep lieing to myself and to him. its just not right.

Jello can never be cremeburla

Once again, this is what happens. You say i'm amazing. you've never met anyone like me, where have i been your whole life? your full of shit. and i eat it up because someone saying nice things about me is so nice to hear! you say i'm beautiful rather then fat and interesting rather then boring. i'm perfect, but then you leave. So happened about me that stopped being perfect, did you figure out that i'm turly nothing special. well you cant say i didnt tell you so. I am nothing that special, i'm like jello. there is nothing wrong with jello, but why would you want it if you can get something better, something that taste better, more exciting. i hate when this happens. once agian i'm not that girl, and i knew it! i fucking knew it wasent possible! why would i possibly want to go there again, on a hope? its bull shit, its all bullshit. i fucking hate you, every single one of you. Iam amazing, i dont know what changes all your minds and i dont care, your not worth me. your not worth my thoughts or my tears, because once again i'm not that girl, i'm fucking jello.

Not Enough

I'm so mad at myself for opening up again. for taking the chance of believe lies on the hope that maybe it was for real. but its all just a bunch of bullshit, it always is. The same thing always happens. They tell i'm the perfect women for them, they are so lucky to have found me and for a couple weeks its bliss. They compliment me and cant get enough of talking to me. Then for some reason they loose interest. I'm just not enough, not pretty enough, not interesting enough, not smart enough and i'm not enough perfect for them, for anyone it would seem like. Everyone keeps telling me that this wont keep happening that "he" is out there. well i dont believe it, history always repeats itself. because this always happens, no matter what i do...hold back on sex or get in bed with them. they all leave. i'm not a slut, i just want to be liked and when i have sex with them they stay longer. i can be happy for just a bit longer. thats all there is, only brief periods of happiness before everyone leaves. i feel somewhat dead and like i just want to lay in bed and cry. if only i could. erik is awake, so i have to put on a happy face. the ways of trying to raise a happy child. he will make me feel better. erik loves me no matter what. i'm enough for him.

Reality Bites

You know what it feels like when you find someone. life is a blur and everything just seems better...fuller somehow. like maybe its all going to work out, there is hope.
Then reality comes crashing down and your relize there is no such thing as bliss or perfection and i'm doing this shit alone.
So what to do? I love my job, i have never been so dedicated and just so happy while doing it, usually i hate working. But this job is just fun for me. i get to be left alone and work at my own pace and listen to music and munch while i'm working. who wouldnt love this job! but it just isent cutting it. At the end of every week my boss always says there will be more next week, and its always the same. and it isent enough. there arnt enough hours for me to make the money i need to get for every month. 300$ a month just isent possible. so what do i do now? there a few choices
First i could try and find another part time job that would let me work only 4 hours for like 3 or 4 days in the week. and that is my first choice. that way i could still keep my amazing job, and of course the money i'm making now and the christmas bonus in December. But then i'm going to be feeling like i'm just working all the time and be even more tired then i am now because of these damn blood thinners. that would also be making my parents watch erik a lot more and despite what they say i know they dont like to watch him for that long of time.
The second i could quit this job and find another one that would offer me more hours and at a regular basis. but i would probably have to put erik in daycare which i have been avoiding at all cost because its just something i have no desire what so ever to do. might if the first option dosent work i wont have a choice, i'll have to. just thinking about that makes me cringe and want to start crying...like i have no control at all what i want for the rest of my life and for eriks. Controls is an allusion right, it just isent fair, why cant i have it all? what is so damn wrong with having it all?
The third choice, now i would have to be very desperate, at the end of my road. i'm writing it down because i cant pretend like it didnt occur to me. Take nick to court for child support. I think about this off and on often. but we are almost in the clear...a couple more months. A year and he wont have any rights at all and he will be gone from our lives. Even after a year if he decide he wanted to see Erik he wouldnt be able to. Wreckless abandonment is not something they take lightly. We are almost free of him and i would hate to bring him back in. Into my life and into my head, i wont do it. But again i cant pretend like i couldnt use the money. There are more important things then money, but sadly its just something you need to live and to survive and try to give my son the best life that i know how...and part of that requires money.
So what do i do now? search and hope for the best? i really dont like the sound of that. Maybe tearsa is right and it will pick up next week and i can even get extra hours. if i have to hope for something thats what i'll hope for. but its not something i'll count on. even though i hate the thought i'm going to find a second job and just suck it up. This is what being a single parent is, i made this choice and i knew it would be hard. well i think i'm about to find out how hard.

Butterflys

wow a guy. that says a mile right there. a guy who is talking to me. who has yet to ask anything sexual, even though i have hinted of my sexual past. wow a guy, a real guy. i dont even know what to think. what does he think of me? i have no idea. maybe i dont want to know. i'll just go over what i want to happen in my head. or maybe i shouldnt, i have no idea.
god i love the feeling of uncertainy having a crush brings! like when the crush first starts out, before they try to get in your pants and make you feel dirty and used. when you hope they are what your looking for. butterflys they call it and i think it fitst he discription well. butterflys.
Short blog i know, but i'm to scared to tell people yet becaues it might jinx it then he will leave like they all do. but i look forward to any knew developements this brings, we will see.

Insanity

So i've been told that the diffination of insanity is doing the same thing and then execpting something differant. well that is exactly what i keep doing. i was about to call nick today because i was expecting something differant. I have no idea what i expect because in my heart i know that it wont be differant. that if he really had changed then he would have done something...anything by now to atleast try and make up for ruining my dreams. But instead i would call him and just get the same damn answer! giving the baby up for adoption even though clearly i'm keeping him! because its almost been 9 months sense he was born, hell if had decided to give him up it would have been when things were shitty. but they are great with Erik. he is amazing and wondering and so perfect. Maybe i just wanted to call nick because i'm lonely and i still think he is right when he said that no one else would have me. Why is he right? he isent! he isent right because i'm amazing to and i'm pretty and a freaking great mother. So why am i tempted to call him? i have no freaking idea! because i am insane, because all that he has done i still want his sorry ass to be here. I want erik to know his father and despite all nicks fawls i want to help him. i want to save him and i want him to relize his mistakes and work to becoming a better person because i know he can be. Like that one day where i slept over at his house and the next morning it was raining and it was so peaceful and i was cold and he wrapped his arms around me and we layed in his bed all day, just cuddling and making love. because then it was love. it was great and durning those kind of moments when he let me in, i really felt the good guy he was supposed to be. and i wanted to help him see that and really bring that out, i wanted to save him from whatever demons haunt him. But i cant, i only got those brief glimpses but then he would just be a double jackass as if to make up for his momently lapse. Maybe some other girl will get into his life and bring that good guy. but it wasent me, and i just have to accept that. i cant help him and to call would only make things worse for me. so insanity will have to wait until i have another guy who can torment me.