Insanity

So i've been told that the diffination of insanity is doing the same thing and then execpting something differant. well that is exactly what i keep doing. i was about to call nick today because i was expecting something differant. I have no idea what i expect because in my heart i know that it wont be differant. that if he really had changed then he would have done something...anything by now to atleast try and make up for ruining my dreams. But instead i would call him and just get the same damn answer! giving the baby up for adoption even though clearly i'm keeping him! because its almost been 9 months sense he was born, hell if had decided to give him up it would have been when things were shitty. but they are great with Erik. he is amazing and wondering and so perfect. Maybe i just wanted to call nick because i'm lonely and i still think he is right when he said that no one else would have me. Why is he right? he isent! he isent right because i'm amazing to and i'm pretty and a freaking great mother. So why am i tempted to call him? i have no freaking idea! because i am insane, because all that he has done i still want his sorry ass to be here. I want erik to know his father and despite all nicks fawls i want to help him. i want to save him and i want him to relize his mistakes and work to becoming a better person because i know he can be. Like that one day where i slept over at his house and the next morning it was raining and it was so peaceful and i was cold and he wrapped his arms around me and we layed in his bed all day, just cuddling and making love. because then it was love. it was great and durning those kind of moments when he let me in, i really felt the good guy he was supposed to be. and i wanted to help him see that and really bring that out, i wanted to save him from whatever demons haunt him. But i cant, i only got those brief glimpses but then he would just be a double jackass as if to make up for his momently lapse. Maybe some other girl will get into his life and bring that good guy. but it wasent me, and i just have to accept that. i cant help him and to call would only make things worse for me. so insanity will have to wait until i have another guy who can torment me.