First blog

okay so my brother and sister have a blog on here and i needed somewhere to write down my thoughts and writing it down is way to slow and i forget what i'm going to say. I dont want to talk to my friends about things anymore because they freak out or call me dramatic or think its about them. I guess thats natural that when something is wrong people think its their fault. The truth is, its not anyones fault, some things just suck and i really need to talk about them, because i cant keep it in. Some things i'm embaressed to say, or admit because it will mean that i'm weak and i cant deal with things. I can deal with things, i think i'm doing a pretty good job with dealing. I dont expect anyone to read this and thats okay, i just need to write it down.

I wrote a letter to my unknown someone. There are around 8 million people in the world and all anyone needs is one. why cant i find that one. I'm not a huge beliver in soul mates, any realtionship with anyone is hard work, nothing is perfect. So i just want one. Just one to think the sun shines out my ass, just that one to love me for who i am, and to not be so fucking selfish. I like to talk about that person like he is out there, like he is looking for me, but the truth is, i dont think he is. After a night of pleasing myself because my sexual desires are to much to handle i lay there in bed and i realize that he might not be out there.....I think that this might be it. That my life forever is going to be like this, being single and trying to raise an amazing little boy by myself when i have no idea what i'm doing, living at my parents house because i'm to poor and i have nowhere else to go.
This probably all sounds like whinning, but thats one of main reasons i decided to blog, so that i could say what i'm thinking. That i could cry and not have to feel stupid, or dramatic or that i'm just bitching to people who really dont care and think that their lives are worse then mine. Which i dont care if they think that. I dont claim to have the worst life ever. I just wanted to talk.

There is so much on my mind, i cant sleep. i could read but i might as well just get them out. Maybe they will be gone for good. I wanted johnny to tell me that he loves me, that he should have stayed home from his mission to be there for me because i needed him more. thats so selfish but its what i wanted. i've wanted him for a long time, and i've come to the tearms that he dosent want me atleast "not that way" and i'll go ahead and say that i'm not okay with that. But you cant make someone love you, if you could i think life would be a whole lot easier. But he is a good guy, one of the last ones left and its going to break my heart to see him with some other girl who dosent deserve him. But if that makes him happy then i'll get through it, because i think everyone deserves to be happy. Its what i deserve and generally i am. Erik makes me happy, his smile just lights up the room, but there is a big black whole missing. and i cant forget that whole is there, it eats at me and everything is a constant reminder that black whole isent getting filled at all, there isent even a hope that its going to get filled, not even a glimmer. I'm so thankful that i am erik but given the chance, i'd do things differantly.

There are certain things i wish i had the courage to do. But i know erik needs me and so i cant, but i wish i could. i wish so badly it could all end, and that i could sleep. i miss sleeping. what bliss would it be to know that i dont have to wake up in the morning, that i dont have to watch while other people life and go about there lives while i'm stuck here stumbling. what bliss to just sleep.
Well i guess i'm done for tonight. i guess i feel lighter now that its all written down, to anyone who reads this. i cant imagine why you would, but it would be nice for someone to listen again, everyone else just dosent anymore. I'm going to get a glass of water and go to bed, hopefully or lay in bed and cry which ends up happening most nights. goodnight to myself and to anyone who is bored enough to read my thoughts