Sucker Love

"Sucker love i always find, someone to bruise and leave behind"

I dont get you. how you can have everything i've ever wanted at yet hate it. how you avoid people to resist temptation. i dont get it. They say the grass is no greener on the other side. i dissagree somewhat. I think like all grass there are patches of dry spots, or spots that have weeds that you just cant get ride of, but then the rest of the grass is beautiful and perfect and you just want to lay naked in it all day long. While other spots of grass are totally dry, sure there a few patches of green spots but its not grass you would want to lay on. So yeah i know that saying is meant to say nothing is perfect and that i do agree with, but somethings are just better and easier.

The title of this blog is sucker love, which is a line in a song by placebo which i totally forgot about until recently. and i relized that i'm a sucker lover. I leech of men to make myself feel better, or prettier or wanted. which i dont think is really wrong because who dosent want to feel wanted. So how to not suck of them? how do i not be the one bruised and left behind?
The answer: its what i know, sense my first kiss. In the mall with jenn and isaiah and he choose her even though he knew how in love with him i was. i guess its always been him i've tried to love me. And it just went bad sense then. how i was made the victim, how i was to scared to seek help, and still am. because all i ever wanted was for him to pick me. for them all to pick me.
maybe it would help to see him again, to cry or punch him the face or just tell him how much he meant and still means to me. and ask why he leaves. why they all leave. why i'm not good enough for them to stay around.

so this is for the men i loved. my sucker love. even the ones i denied that i did love because its to hard and because its scary to admit how much they hurt...still.
I love you, i dont know how else to say it. i'm not sure why you left, why you couldnt step up and be the one. but for whatever reason. just know that i'll always love you, once you take someones heart it dosent come back.
I'm not at all tired but i have to be mommy tomarrow, so i guess i should try. push all the ghosts away and rest. i pray they understand, and i pray to be rescued, and i promise to rescue them right back. goodnight.