New years resolutions

okay so i dont normally do this stuff because i figured if you dont set goals then you never have a reason to be dissapointed, but its really the other way around. if you dont set goals you will always be dissapointed because you wont accomplish anything. so these are in no specfic order and i relize some of them may take longer then one year but here goes
1. Go to chruch at last 2 a month
2. Loose 25 lbs
3. Not having sex at all until i'm married
4. Get my GED and maybe start a semester of college
well i think those are it, if i think of anything else then i'll be sure to right them down. mostly i was just thinking of the things that really have made me unhappy and so i've decided to try and change them this coming year. i really hope it works.

The nutcracker

just went and saw the nutcracker ballet. and i really do love it. but there are things i didnt notice before. like the love that is involved in this story, but mostly sex because all art in their own form include some type of sex and love cant come with out it. but mostly its a story about loosing that innocence that makes you child, and nothing makes you loose your innocence faster then falling in love. and falling in love with a man in tights with a very tight ass is the best kind. The sad part is, and this could be just projecting, but i dont think he was in love with her. she saved his life and in return i think he just gave her an adventure, something wonderful to remember. Also its a story of another sooty little princess getting her way and having something fall all over her.
i cant help but really envy that love, even if it was never returned he was greatful and saw it as something so beautiful, enough that he showed her the wonders of something she wouldnt have otherwise ever known. oh the beauty, things i wish i could see, notice some type of wonderus thing, or an adventure like that, love that dosent even need to be returned but is simply enough.

Feelings

I had a dream. Erik was grown up and looked a lot like his uncle. but the point of the dream was that he left. he was old and it was time for him to go out on his own. but i was just standing there in the dark. i have no one. i get so mad at myself for feeling this way for stressing about being all alone but the truth is i feel alone now! why cant anyone hear my desperate cries for just someone to freaking talk to me!! but even when i'm with people, its only temporary, they are going to leave to and i'll still be exactly where i am now, alone and unable to go back to sleep because my mind wont just stop thinking about all the things i hate in my life, the things i cant or dont know how to change and nothing gets my blood boiling more then feeling out of control. and i am completly. i feel as though my life is in the hands of someone else and i just have to wait and see if they destory it or help me out. give me back my life, give me back my intenity. i said i wasent ready and that still stands, but damnit i dont want to be alone, i'm so sick of it! i cant even breath anymore because how badly i want someone to love me. so what do i do? sit and wait i guess because there isent shit i can do about this situation that i landed myself in. i just sit here and wait for things to change, for something to be differant, and if i'm lucky (fat chance) maybe it will even be better.
self loathing enough for you? good, try walking in my fucking shoes and then maybe you'll understand why woe is me.

I give up...again

Whats wrong with me? i could count them all becaus sadly i still remember them. the men i have loved and they all leave. some of them have the nuts to tell me and some just disappear without ever saying why. i think that hurts worse, it makes me think there is something wrong with me. and i guess there is. its the only thing that make sense why they all leave why everyone around me just seems to find someone easily!! argg i'm so fucking sick of it!!! why does it have to happen to every god damn person but me!! well i'm done, i will not open myself up to another fucking little prick just trying to get his own selfish needs. i'm done with all of you, if my man really is out there, then sorry but your just going to have to find someone else, thats what everyone else does and they all live happly ever after so i'm sure you'll be just fine to. and me? well i'll just be mom, and when erik leaves i'll go back, go back inside my mind to live with my muse voices, atleast then i wont be alone. why does it have to hurt so bad. i'm not that girl, i'm not the one, and i'll never be. i was never ment to be.

Doubts,Worries and Hesitantions

Of all the stores i've read, non of them really mentions the fact of how insecure caring for someone can make you. is he the one? i really have no idea, there are so many things about him i dont want to deal with. and thats what i've decided love is, finding someone whos shit you want to deal with.
He is a nice guy and everything, but he is kind of a dumbass, in a wierd way. he cant make choices and he dosent have a car or anything that he can offer me. is that really what i'm looking for? someone who can offer me something, i guess so. my life is hard enough, i think i should get some kind of freaking break. He is so nice that i dont want to tell him my doubts about us working. I'm clingly, i know this and its part of my personality, when i text or call someone, i except them to respond and not freaking ignore me because they are watching tv or playing a game. i gets under my skin so bad. I think its because i assume the worst, because when Nick was sleeping and fooling around with other women he would ignore me too and then make up lame ass excuses why he wasent talking to me and then i would just except them...i dont know why. i just know that i dont want to put myself in that posistion again. damnit just talk to me, and if thats not something you can deal with, then you are not the one.
One thing, he has not had sex, and thats not a bad thing but he also has a very small penis, now i'm not shallow enough to dump someone over that, but sex is really important to me. and can i be with a guy who cannot satisfy me...who cant even come close to penitration! and i dont want to hurt his feeling by telling him my worries, telling a guy he has a small penis isent exactly a great idea. but i dont know what to do. maybe he really just isent the guy for me. he is very immature and sometimes just acts like a total dumbass. and i hate being around those kind of people, they are annoying. he talks way to loud when we are in public, and he chews with my mouth open. watching a half eaten french free in someones mouth is enough to totally ruin your appitiet. Mom said i need to just be patient and wait for my perfect someone, and even though he is nice and a great guy, i dont think he is my one. I feel horrible, its never been me to break up with someone, and i still dont know if i can. but i cant keep lieing to myself and to him. its just not right.

Jello can never be cremeburla

Once again, this is what happens. You say i'm amazing. you've never met anyone like me, where have i been your whole life? your full of shit. and i eat it up because someone saying nice things about me is so nice to hear! you say i'm beautiful rather then fat and interesting rather then boring. i'm perfect, but then you leave. So happened about me that stopped being perfect, did you figure out that i'm turly nothing special. well you cant say i didnt tell you so. I am nothing that special, i'm like jello. there is nothing wrong with jello, but why would you want it if you can get something better, something that taste better, more exciting. i hate when this happens. once agian i'm not that girl, and i knew it! i fucking knew it wasent possible! why would i possibly want to go there again, on a hope? its bull shit, its all bullshit. i fucking hate you, every single one of you. Iam amazing, i dont know what changes all your minds and i dont care, your not worth me. your not worth my thoughts or my tears, because once again i'm not that girl, i'm fucking jello.

Not Enough

I'm so mad at myself for opening up again. for taking the chance of believe lies on the hope that maybe it was for real. but its all just a bunch of bullshit, it always is. The same thing always happens. They tell i'm the perfect women for them, they are so lucky to have found me and for a couple weeks its bliss. They compliment me and cant get enough of talking to me. Then for some reason they loose interest. I'm just not enough, not pretty enough, not interesting enough, not smart enough and i'm not enough perfect for them, for anyone it would seem like. Everyone keeps telling me that this wont keep happening that "he" is out there. well i dont believe it, history always repeats itself. because this always happens, no matter what i do...hold back on sex or get in bed with them. they all leave. i'm not a slut, i just want to be liked and when i have sex with them they stay longer. i can be happy for just a bit longer. thats all there is, only brief periods of happiness before everyone leaves. i feel somewhat dead and like i just want to lay in bed and cry. if only i could. erik is awake, so i have to put on a happy face. the ways of trying to raise a happy child. he will make me feel better. erik loves me no matter what. i'm enough for him.

Reality Bites

You know what it feels like when you find someone. life is a blur and everything just seems better...fuller somehow. like maybe its all going to work out, there is hope.
Then reality comes crashing down and your relize there is no such thing as bliss or perfection and i'm doing this shit alone.
So what to do? I love my job, i have never been so dedicated and just so happy while doing it, usually i hate working. But this job is just fun for me. i get to be left alone and work at my own pace and listen to music and munch while i'm working. who wouldnt love this job! but it just isent cutting it. At the end of every week my boss always says there will be more next week, and its always the same. and it isent enough. there arnt enough hours for me to make the money i need to get for every month. 300$ a month just isent possible. so what do i do now? there a few choices
First i could try and find another part time job that would let me work only 4 hours for like 3 or 4 days in the week. and that is my first choice. that way i could still keep my amazing job, and of course the money i'm making now and the christmas bonus in December. But then i'm going to be feeling like i'm just working all the time and be even more tired then i am now because of these damn blood thinners. that would also be making my parents watch erik a lot more and despite what they say i know they dont like to watch him for that long of time.
The second i could quit this job and find another one that would offer me more hours and at a regular basis. but i would probably have to put erik in daycare which i have been avoiding at all cost because its just something i have no desire what so ever to do. might if the first option dosent work i wont have a choice, i'll have to. just thinking about that makes me cringe and want to start crying...like i have no control at all what i want for the rest of my life and for eriks. Controls is an allusion right, it just isent fair, why cant i have it all? what is so damn wrong with having it all?
The third choice, now i would have to be very desperate, at the end of my road. i'm writing it down because i cant pretend like it didnt occur to me. Take nick to court for child support. I think about this off and on often. but we are almost in the clear...a couple more months. A year and he wont have any rights at all and he will be gone from our lives. Even after a year if he decide he wanted to see Erik he wouldnt be able to. Wreckless abandonment is not something they take lightly. We are almost free of him and i would hate to bring him back in. Into my life and into my head, i wont do it. But again i cant pretend like i couldnt use the money. There are more important things then money, but sadly its just something you need to live and to survive and try to give my son the best life that i know how...and part of that requires money.
So what do i do now? search and hope for the best? i really dont like the sound of that. Maybe tearsa is right and it will pick up next week and i can even get extra hours. if i have to hope for something thats what i'll hope for. but its not something i'll count on. even though i hate the thought i'm going to find a second job and just suck it up. This is what being a single parent is, i made this choice and i knew it would be hard. well i think i'm about to find out how hard.

Butterflys

wow a guy. that says a mile right there. a guy who is talking to me. who has yet to ask anything sexual, even though i have hinted of my sexual past. wow a guy, a real guy. i dont even know what to think. what does he think of me? i have no idea. maybe i dont want to know. i'll just go over what i want to happen in my head. or maybe i shouldnt, i have no idea.
god i love the feeling of uncertainy having a crush brings! like when the crush first starts out, before they try to get in your pants and make you feel dirty and used. when you hope they are what your looking for. butterflys they call it and i think it fitst he discription well. butterflys.
Short blog i know, but i'm to scared to tell people yet becaues it might jinx it then he will leave like they all do. but i look forward to any knew developements this brings, we will see.

Insanity

So i've been told that the diffination of insanity is doing the same thing and then execpting something differant. well that is exactly what i keep doing. i was about to call nick today because i was expecting something differant. I have no idea what i expect because in my heart i know that it wont be differant. that if he really had changed then he would have done something...anything by now to atleast try and make up for ruining my dreams. But instead i would call him and just get the same damn answer! giving the baby up for adoption even though clearly i'm keeping him! because its almost been 9 months sense he was born, hell if had decided to give him up it would have been when things were shitty. but they are great with Erik. he is amazing and wondering and so perfect. Maybe i just wanted to call nick because i'm lonely and i still think he is right when he said that no one else would have me. Why is he right? he isent! he isent right because i'm amazing to and i'm pretty and a freaking great mother. So why am i tempted to call him? i have no freaking idea! because i am insane, because all that he has done i still want his sorry ass to be here. I want erik to know his father and despite all nicks fawls i want to help him. i want to save him and i want him to relize his mistakes and work to becoming a better person because i know he can be. Like that one day where i slept over at his house and the next morning it was raining and it was so peaceful and i was cold and he wrapped his arms around me and we layed in his bed all day, just cuddling and making love. because then it was love. it was great and durning those kind of moments when he let me in, i really felt the good guy he was supposed to be. and i wanted to help him see that and really bring that out, i wanted to save him from whatever demons haunt him. But i cant, i only got those brief glimpses but then he would just be a double jackass as if to make up for his momently lapse. Maybe some other girl will get into his life and bring that good guy. but it wasent me, and i just have to accept that. i cant help him and to call would only make things worse for me. so insanity will have to wait until i have another guy who can torment me.

Sucker Love

"Sucker love i always find, someone to bruise and leave behind"

I dont get you. how you can have everything i've ever wanted at yet hate it. how you avoid people to resist temptation. i dont get it. They say the grass is no greener on the other side. i dissagree somewhat. I think like all grass there are patches of dry spots, or spots that have weeds that you just cant get ride of, but then the rest of the grass is beautiful and perfect and you just want to lay naked in it all day long. While other spots of grass are totally dry, sure there a few patches of green spots but its not grass you would want to lay on. So yeah i know that saying is meant to say nothing is perfect and that i do agree with, but somethings are just better and easier.

The title of this blog is sucker love, which is a line in a song by placebo which i totally forgot about until recently. and i relized that i'm a sucker lover. I leech of men to make myself feel better, or prettier or wanted. which i dont think is really wrong because who dosent want to feel wanted. So how to not suck of them? how do i not be the one bruised and left behind?
The answer: its what i know, sense my first kiss. In the mall with jenn and isaiah and he choose her even though he knew how in love with him i was. i guess its always been him i've tried to love me. And it just went bad sense then. how i was made the victim, how i was to scared to seek help, and still am. because all i ever wanted was for him to pick me. for them all to pick me.
maybe it would help to see him again, to cry or punch him the face or just tell him how much he meant and still means to me. and ask why he leaves. why they all leave. why i'm not good enough for them to stay around.

so this is for the men i loved. my sucker love. even the ones i denied that i did love because its to hard and because its scary to admit how much they hurt...still.
I love you, i dont know how else to say it. i'm not sure why you left, why you couldnt step up and be the one. but for whatever reason. just know that i'll always love you, once you take someones heart it dosent come back.
I'm not at all tired but i have to be mommy tomarrow, so i guess i should try. push all the ghosts away and rest. i pray they understand, and i pray to be rescued, and i promise to rescue them right back. goodnight.

First blog

okay so my brother and sister have a blog on here and i needed somewhere to write down my thoughts and writing it down is way to slow and i forget what i'm going to say. I dont want to talk to my friends about things anymore because they freak out or call me dramatic or think its about them. I guess thats natural that when something is wrong people think its their fault. The truth is, its not anyones fault, some things just suck and i really need to talk about them, because i cant keep it in. Some things i'm embaressed to say, or admit because it will mean that i'm weak and i cant deal with things. I can deal with things, i think i'm doing a pretty good job with dealing. I dont expect anyone to read this and thats okay, i just need to write it down.

I wrote a letter to my unknown someone. There are around 8 million people in the world and all anyone needs is one. why cant i find that one. I'm not a huge beliver in soul mates, any realtionship with anyone is hard work, nothing is perfect. So i just want one. Just one to think the sun shines out my ass, just that one to love me for who i am, and to not be so fucking selfish. I like to talk about that person like he is out there, like he is looking for me, but the truth is, i dont think he is. After a night of pleasing myself because my sexual desires are to much to handle i lay there in bed and i realize that he might not be out there.....I think that this might be it. That my life forever is going to be like this, being single and trying to raise an amazing little boy by myself when i have no idea what i'm doing, living at my parents house because i'm to poor and i have nowhere else to go.
This probably all sounds like whinning, but thats one of main reasons i decided to blog, so that i could say what i'm thinking. That i could cry and not have to feel stupid, or dramatic or that i'm just bitching to people who really dont care and think that their lives are worse then mine. Which i dont care if they think that. I dont claim to have the worst life ever. I just wanted to talk.

There is so much on my mind, i cant sleep. i could read but i might as well just get them out. Maybe they will be gone for good. I wanted johnny to tell me that he loves me, that he should have stayed home from his mission to be there for me because i needed him more. thats so selfish but its what i wanted. i've wanted him for a long time, and i've come to the tearms that he dosent want me atleast "not that way" and i'll go ahead and say that i'm not okay with that. But you cant make someone love you, if you could i think life would be a whole lot easier. But he is a good guy, one of the last ones left and its going to break my heart to see him with some other girl who dosent deserve him. But if that makes him happy then i'll get through it, because i think everyone deserves to be happy. Its what i deserve and generally i am. Erik makes me happy, his smile just lights up the room, but there is a big black whole missing. and i cant forget that whole is there, it eats at me and everything is a constant reminder that black whole isent getting filled at all, there isent even a hope that its going to get filled, not even a glimmer. I'm so thankful that i am erik but given the chance, i'd do things differantly.

There are certain things i wish i had the courage to do. But i know erik needs me and so i cant, but i wish i could. i wish so badly it could all end, and that i could sleep. i miss sleeping. what bliss would it be to know that i dont have to wake up in the morning, that i dont have to watch while other people life and go about there lives while i'm stuck here stumbling. what bliss to just sleep.
Well i guess i'm done for tonight. i guess i feel lighter now that its all written down, to anyone who reads this. i cant imagine why you would, but it would be nice for someone to listen again, everyone else just dosent anymore. I'm going to get a glass of water and go to bed, hopefully or lay in bed and cry which ends up happening most nights. goodnight to myself and to anyone who is bored enough to read my thoughts