dreams

I've been having some pretty messed up dreams, due to pregnancy hormones more then likely. Last night's dream was this. I died in child birth, but then I came back to tell Erik I wouldn't be around anymore and he put his head in my lap and cried and begged me not to leave him. I can't even type this down without starting to cry. But maybe writting down these dreams will help me to remember that they are just dreams. I don't have premonition powers. They do feel extremely real, but it's just a dream.

Coward

Around this time, every year. I think how horrible i'd feel if i had a nephew, or niece somewhere that i didnt know about, some little kid who shares my blood, maybe my features that i dont know, that i cant take to get icecream, that i cant buy a christmas present for. And then i start to feel really bad that Erik apparently has 3 aunts and one uncle, and 2 grandparents that dont know he exsists, all because I way too much of a coward to let them know. Anything can be found on the internet, once he was born i should have wrote them a letter, i should have let them all know. I was so scared what they might do, look at the person they raised, a person who would abondone the women he knocked up because "if i didnt want it, i shouldnt have to pay for it"
I wonder if he ever feels bad around this time of year, probably not
I wonder if he will ever tell them, probably not
I guess it dosent really matter now, Erik and I both have a true man now, who wont leave us just because life is diffacult, and who will be there for us no matter what.
I just cant help but feel guilty

man crushing

Sharing my thoughts about one of the coolest people. My favorite author, hands down, no doubts. Brandon Sanderson. He is my Doctor Who. The way he shows up and picks me up in his machine, which is bigger on the inside of course and takes me away to some far off land in space and time and we have some wonderful adventures. By the end, when its all done i'm sitting there wondering how can i possibly go back to my mundane life with all the things you've shown me.
His writing is really that real. I crave it, i cant get enough of it.
Anytime i hear a fantasy fiction fan has not read at least one of his novels i am automatically appalled and insist that they must read at least one, but they will not be able to stop at just one.
Brandon Sanderson picked up finishing The Wheel of Time, of series of books that took a mans entire lifetime to try and get done, which he was sadly unable to do. But here comes Sanderson not only seamlessly picking up where Robert Jordan left off, but at the same time paying homage to Jordan's wonderful world and characters, but making it better. Making the action more intense more interesting and more real.
I eagerly await every line you write Brandon

The other me

you know how i know i'm really struggling with something, it gets blogged about, something about seeing the words written down helps me figure stuff out, which is why no one but me reads this shit, anyway. Hi other Sierra, your the real sierra, i've known this for a while, sense i saw the pitiful exsists you were living and dragged your sorry ass out of hating yourself for something that wasent your fault, for thinking somehow that you desirved to feel this way, well damnit sierra your still feeling this way. How can i talk you into thinking differantly, how i can reprogam your mind into not thinking every damn little thing that goes wrong is all because of you. i know the thoughts in your head, because i'm there too, i feel and think them with you, which one of us is more scared of you taking the dominate roll is this mind. of feeling and thinking and doing the things we used to, listening to doing what everyone else says, just to feel the need to be loved, or for this circumtance, accepted. believe me, i know her, she is always there, she is a pitiful creature, no back bone, no stamania, no real personality, but she does have this drive, it would mean the world to her, for just your acceptance. but sense iam the domantant here, i have to try and dig her out of the despair she feels for not getting that acceptance. so what now? where can we possibly go from here?
There is 2 people who she really relys on for that love and acceptance, both she knows will not be around forever, one probably longer then the other. I know who you are Sierra, even if he dosent see it yet, he will, and he will leave, and then what? you'll just have me, or will your self pity take over my reason?
here is my peice of advice, if you can ever take it. just try your best, and let that be good enough, you should never try and please anyone, ever, you should do as you see fit and right. and thats good enough, you'll never be the person you want to be, because thats just not you, but you can be the person to make your own choices and be okay with that. so just be okay with that, you'll be okay, this mind has the 2 of us, you'll be okay because you'll always have me

-izzy

Life as a house, A house with many pesonalities, The house that binds us, The same house that tears us apart.

Interesting how what i've come to look as a prison of sort was created and then finished for something noble, for love, maybe a little bit for pride, for a sense of doing something great. and now, well? the thing that was created to bring people together, designed to hold a gathering a people, and a horde of food, good times, laughter and family, now we are all trapped, in a place that cost too much money to keep afloat, the very air breathed filled with resentment and bad feelings. The resentment of one women in paticluar who feels the need to keep everyone together, to keep the feeling of family that the house was supposed to bring, the same women, torn apart by her own failer. and how long will be now before the feelings started and bridges burned turn into a flaming pile of rubble and mess to deep for our family to crawl out of this time. a house that was started with nobility, now something shameful, worst of all, something i never knew my family had in them, Greed. I fear it will only get worse, I watch that one women struggle to keep everything going, while the rest have giving up, no longer fighting to keep the flames away, resigned to be cosumed in their own way. Good luck to that one women, because I have giving up with the rest of them, the house needs to burn, and all the bad feelings with it, I can only hope my small family is far away when as they say "the shit really hits the fan"

My friends (to the tune of a yo gabba gabba song)

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Jenny is my best friend she is so small and cute
she likes to wear big heels and pink
she is the one who's there for me
reminds me who I am

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Mitchell is so big and warm
I want to kiss all day
and even though I bitch and cling he loves me anyway

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Cassie is a flake sometimes
sometimes she's here sometimes she's not
Even though i'm mad at times
she lightens up my heart.

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Sheri is my aunt and friend
I know its kind of wierd
she dosent judge or point
and loves the way you are

All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same.

Erik is so blonde and cute
he is my first born son
even though he breaks and runs
he has a loving heart.

So many good friends we know
All my friends are differant, but I love them all the same

Some things ARE better left unsaid

The more interactions i have with people this simple fact has really stood out to me, some things are better left unsaid. Here is a huge, momumental thought! when you are about to say something, and its something that will make someone feel bad about themselves, or make them feel stupid, or even not wanted, dont freaking say it!
I understand our need to have our opinions heard, and it really is a great thing that we live in a world where our opinions can be heard, its amazing really, but with that choice to have your opinions heard, that is also the good choice of sometimes just keeping silent. because seriously why would you intentionaly say something that would hurt someone you love.
I'm not talking about just mention something in passing that hurts an extremely senstive people and you cant always pretict how your words will effect others. but use good judgement, these are people you know! people who you have been around for a long time, you know the things that hurt them, why in the love of god would you just say something hurtful! get a blog! if its really that important to you to be heard, more important then the ones you love, then get your opinion to yourself, where it wont cause horrible contention and hurt people. and if what you say does hurt people, have the good will to say sorry, that these are the people that you love and that love you, would you really let petty differances, disagreements and down right stupid dramatic crap, get in the way of you loving the people that you should. So lets let it go, get over it, remember that what you say really does effect others and learn to act more responsable towards your words.
why can't we all just get along, why? because people are way to complex to understand their train of thoughts and what guids their actions, but that never means you should stop trying

the greatest thing you'll learn is to love

wow, Mitch did it, he really purposed to me. Friday night was my monthly game night planned, i had been planning it for a month. it was just time for everyone to get together and play games and have a good time, apparently around this same time, mitch bought a ring, and wow what a beautiful ring it is. Anyway, a lot of people where there and we were playing the game of things, and i was stuffing my face with chip dip when the question was read, things you wait for, and one answer was "marriage purposal" and someone, i dont even know who, said mitch was that you, and he said yes and gets down on one knee and pulls out a little red box with my most perfect ring inside. Apart from trying to swallow chips and throw myself at him at the same time i managed to say yes, then he calls erik over and gives him a ring pop and asks to marry him too, of course erik said yes and sucked on the ring pop the whole night. It was amazing, everything i ever pictured, it was so touching that i still want to cry just thinking about it, and i cant stop looking down at my now bejewled finger. I keep thinking it was all a dream because thats how perfect it was, haha i'm sure the next year is not going to be perfect, what with figure out adoption and finding a place to live and orginize our wedding, but i couldnt be more excited for all of it, i want to get started right away, i'm ready for my new family.
and i just want to say this
Nick you stupid jackass, you were totally wrong, about me, about erik and about everything else, you are not the only man who would have me, because i found one who will not only have me but loves so much for exactly the person that i am, fat rolls, weird shapped butt and all my flaws. I only hope we can do the adoption without getting you involved, but if we do i can now say that i can look at you with complete indifferance, you don't matter to our life anymore, and the things you have done to both of us arnt worth thinking about anymore.
And to my soon to be husband, i love you so much and i cant wait to really start our lifes together, all the fights and make up sex and even hallway sex. you are my perfect man, and i really believe we are made for each other.

not a normal 20-something

So I went to a club on saturday and even though it was certianlly interesting to really see how this so called "night life" sort of exsist, it sort of made me relize while spending time with these people that i'm not really a normal 20-something real old. They are all so full of life, and its not like teenagers were their choices dont matter because they dont effect them, 20 somethings know thier choices matter and they are soft of coming to terms with that, and relishing just in that fact of life, and what better way to celebrate life then dancing in a sort of sexual suggestive manner to music that ( in my opinion) has no real depth or purpose other then to just dance suggestivelly. And even though it was fun to kind of step into that life for only a few min, its just not me. When i drink, its more like a relaxing thing, like the alchocol sort of allows my mind to calm down and not stress or think about soooo many things, so when i drink i like to sit and relax, but apparently, as i found out from 2 very nice competely drunk guys, that i wasent having a good time. and that made me think, to these people who are celebrating their applity to finally relish in what life really has to offer, me sitting there nursing my drink would seem a little bit of a downer, but to me, a single mother who spends her days worrying about diapers and nuturtion and money, sitting their nursing my drink is freaking bliss!
Now i'm not sure if its just because of who iam that makes me think i'm differant, because in all fairness i only saw these people having a good time, and i'm sure they have many stresses too, but even to sit back and have a good time in that way? is that what all 20 somethings feel? does being a mother really effect my brain so much that iam unable to really function as a 20 something?
Best part of the night was watching the weird ass music videos for these songs, they just make me laugh! its so odd that when the music video for "i like big butts" came out it was like sooo wrong, but now, well hell if there isent some shaking butt action in a music video then its just not popular

Stupid little boy

I'm so sick of this, i know i have said that before, but i really cant wait any long. I'm tired of being the only damn parent when i was thinking all along that you actually wanted to be apart of this, but i guess you dont, it will always be me without you ever fucking around to help, nope all you do is get off work and go watch tv and play your damn games, and it probably dosent even ever fucking cross your mind that we need you. its like being in the exact same situation as i was before, stuck in this sort of muddy gross pit of hell stuck with a person who never wants to get out so i'm stuck there with them. you don't want to be with me otherwise you would have by now. or maybe you should sit me down and explain to me why exactly you cant afford a 100 dollar ring because i dont get it!! i dont get what the hell is taking so long and i'm sick of waiting, i'm just done, its never going anywhere and you are never going to do the thing you should so. why you wont i have no fucking clue because it is completly obviouse that i'am the best thing thats happened to you and your just a stupid boy who thinks i will just be around forever for you little fun on the weekend and i'll just be okay with that because i'm a stupid fucking girl, i hate you, i hate you so much for doing this to me. I thought finding someone who loved me would mean i wouldnt have to feel alone, but i feel more alone then ever, because your never around and thats never going to change, i just have to get used to it, but i'm not going to, i will leave you, is that what you want? if not then get off your fucking ass and commit to me already.

Mind walls, and physical ones

I really really hate watching him drive away, and its even more maddening to what him to stay so bad, and all the reason that he has to go just kind of leaves me, and i dont care anymore. I know he wants to wait, but i dont want to wait anymore, i'm so sick of the leaving, of the waiting, its so freaking riduclous, i cant remember why its about waiting anymore. just be patient, your time will come, well i'm done with waiting, i want my damn time to be now, i want everything that i think i should have, that i want so bad i can feel it. I miss you already and i hate it, i shouldnt have to miss you, i shouldnt have to long for you. remind me why, what is all this waiting about. i hate it, i just want to cry. please dont make me wait too much longer, i hate saying it to you because i sound stupid and clingy and all those words boys would call me, but i hate waiting for you and not really knowing why. i want to cuddle with you every night and wake up to you and i know you want these things so why, what the hell are we are waiting for

obessed much?

Marriage....Why do have the overwelming desire to get married, it is because i have found the person i want to get married to? why am i unable to just enjoy the way things are like he does, he dosent seem to dwell on getting married every second of the day and everyday i see people who are getting married, wedding pictures or even ads for rings it brings back that incredable longing, like i havent had food for weeks, its a pain deep down and i just want to crawl away and hid instead of facing that he isent asking me! and i dont think he isent asking because he dosent love me or he is to scared, i think he is scared yes, as everyone should be i just dont think he really thinks about it, not like i do. not this longing to have him stay, wake up with him in the morning, make him breakfast and come home to me after work everday day, watch erik and sit with us when its time for dinner, i just want him to be there all the day, i'm done with this dating stuff, i'm ready to move on, i'm ready to be married to him. so what do i do until he is ready, until he finally asks..do i just wait and try not to think about how much i want it. i dont want to spend a lot of money, i just care to be with him, whats the point in waiting any longer if we know, and theres the questions...does he know i am the one? does he know i am who he wants to marry? and if so, whats the hold up?

I had a dream

so i had this dream where Nick killed himself and was hauting me, trying to tell me how sorry he was. and i woke up thinking, i wish that was read. i wish he really had killed himself but when your in the state of mind for suicide your just in so much pain there is no other way for it to stop and i want him to feel that pain, and i want him to suffer as much as he made me suffer and just the glimmer of a fact that he couldnt stomach that pain when i could brings some kind of vindication. like i'm stronger then him, i'm the better person. which sure we already knew that. but still, do you think its kind of sick to wish so much pain on another person? i suppose it is, but this just isent any person, this is Nick, the man who not just left me to do the hardest thing any person has to go through, but he abused me, he trying manulamting me into things i never wanted to do and some things it worked and thankfully with others it didnt. but still i can hear his voice in my head convincing me of my worthlesness and it drives me mad, so why wouldnt i want him to suffer enough to bring about his own death to hope that however way he dies i hope its painful, not some whimpy way like taking pills, but slowly watching his blood leave his body or put the gun in his mouth and with sheer desperation pull the trigger. and then there is the glimmer of hope that he is gone for this world forever and will never come back here to try and manpulate me ever again or erik or try and hurt use. to have him gone forever, really gone.

The bad girlfriend

oh so i'm the bad girlfriend? i'm the bad one huh, yeah that makes alot of fucking sense, because you were the one who would just come over and pretend that you werent intersting, and just tease making me feel like shit, like i wasent even good enough for your attention. and then you just left to go take care of your friend and then told me you call me back and then never did, fuck being a bad boyfriend, what kind of person just dosent talk to someone, i would have atleast told you it wasent working out and not just pretending like you didnt exsist. what a way to break your old habits, bieng an asshole. i guess once and ass always an ass. just go fuck yourself you redneck, illerate, discusting cowboy. your always be alone because you have no idea how to treat a good women.

I'm being haunted

forever haunted by the pain you put me through. those words keep going through my head as a sit in my bed at night hearing creeks and groans, protests of the floor boards or my dark thoughts. i cant escape the feeling of being watched, judged by you. why wont you leave me in peace, to live and just for the moment to sleep. isent it enough to have hurt me then, but to creep into my thoughts at the quietest part of the night, to consume and slaughter all other thoughts from my head. why, why haunt me, why not let me forget you. i only want to sleep.

New years resolutions

okay so i dont normally do this stuff because i figured if you dont set goals then you never have a reason to be dissapointed, but its really the other way around. if you dont set goals you will always be dissapointed because you wont accomplish anything. so these are in no specfic order and i relize some of them may take longer then one year but here goes
1. Go to chruch at last 2 a month
2. Loose 25 lbs
3. Not having sex at all until i'm married
4. Get my GED and maybe start a semester of college
well i think those are it, if i think of anything else then i'll be sure to right them down. mostly i was just thinking of the things that really have made me unhappy and so i've decided to try and change them this coming year. i really hope it works.

The nutcracker

just went and saw the nutcracker ballet. and i really do love it. but there are things i didnt notice before. like the love that is involved in this story, but mostly sex because all art in their own form include some type of sex and love cant come with out it. but mostly its a story about loosing that innocence that makes you child, and nothing makes you loose your innocence faster then falling in love. and falling in love with a man in tights with a very tight ass is the best kind. The sad part is, and this could be just projecting, but i dont think he was in love with her. she saved his life and in return i think he just gave her an adventure, something wonderful to remember. Also its a story of another sooty little princess getting her way and having something fall all over her.
i cant help but really envy that love, even if it was never returned he was greatful and saw it as something so beautiful, enough that he showed her the wonders of something she wouldnt have otherwise ever known. oh the beauty, things i wish i could see, notice some type of wonderus thing, or an adventure like that, love that dosent even need to be returned but is simply enough.

Feelings

I had a dream. Erik was grown up and looked a lot like his uncle. but the point of the dream was that he left. he was old and it was time for him to go out on his own. but i was just standing there in the dark. i have no one. i get so mad at myself for feeling this way for stressing about being all alone but the truth is i feel alone now! why cant anyone hear my desperate cries for just someone to freaking talk to me!! but even when i'm with people, its only temporary, they are going to leave to and i'll still be exactly where i am now, alone and unable to go back to sleep because my mind wont just stop thinking about all the things i hate in my life, the things i cant or dont know how to change and nothing gets my blood boiling more then feeling out of control. and i am completly. i feel as though my life is in the hands of someone else and i just have to wait and see if they destory it or help me out. give me back my life, give me back my intenity. i said i wasent ready and that still stands, but damnit i dont want to be alone, i'm so sick of it! i cant even breath anymore because how badly i want someone to love me. so what do i do? sit and wait i guess because there isent shit i can do about this situation that i landed myself in. i just sit here and wait for things to change, for something to be differant, and if i'm lucky (fat chance) maybe it will even be better.
self loathing enough for you? good, try walking in my fucking shoes and then maybe you'll understand why woe is me.

I give up...again

Whats wrong with me? i could count them all becaus sadly i still remember them. the men i have loved and they all leave. some of them have the nuts to tell me and some just disappear without ever saying why. i think that hurts worse, it makes me think there is something wrong with me. and i guess there is. its the only thing that make sense why they all leave why everyone around me just seems to find someone easily!! argg i'm so fucking sick of it!!! why does it have to happen to every god damn person but me!! well i'm done, i will not open myself up to another fucking little prick just trying to get his own selfish needs. i'm done with all of you, if my man really is out there, then sorry but your just going to have to find someone else, thats what everyone else does and they all live happly ever after so i'm sure you'll be just fine to. and me? well i'll just be mom, and when erik leaves i'll go back, go back inside my mind to live with my muse voices, atleast then i wont be alone. why does it have to hurt so bad. i'm not that girl, i'm not the one, and i'll never be. i was never ment to be.

Doubts,Worries and Hesitantions

Of all the stores i've read, non of them really mentions the fact of how insecure caring for someone can make you. is he the one? i really have no idea, there are so many things about him i dont want to deal with. and thats what i've decided love is, finding someone whos shit you want to deal with.
He is a nice guy and everything, but he is kind of a dumbass, in a wierd way. he cant make choices and he dosent have a car or anything that he can offer me. is that really what i'm looking for? someone who can offer me something, i guess so. my life is hard enough, i think i should get some kind of freaking break. He is so nice that i dont want to tell him my doubts about us working. I'm clingly, i know this and its part of my personality, when i text or call someone, i except them to respond and not freaking ignore me because they are watching tv or playing a game. i gets under my skin so bad. I think its because i assume the worst, because when Nick was sleeping and fooling around with other women he would ignore me too and then make up lame ass excuses why he wasent talking to me and then i would just except them...i dont know why. i just know that i dont want to put myself in that posistion again. damnit just talk to me, and if thats not something you can deal with, then you are not the one.
One thing, he has not had sex, and thats not a bad thing but he also has a very small penis, now i'm not shallow enough to dump someone over that, but sex is really important to me. and can i be with a guy who cannot satisfy me...who cant even come close to penitration! and i dont want to hurt his feeling by telling him my worries, telling a guy he has a small penis isent exactly a great idea. but i dont know what to do. maybe he really just isent the guy for me. he is very immature and sometimes just acts like a total dumbass. and i hate being around those kind of people, they are annoying. he talks way to loud when we are in public, and he chews with my mouth open. watching a half eaten french free in someones mouth is enough to totally ruin your appitiet. Mom said i need to just be patient and wait for my perfect someone, and even though he is nice and a great guy, i dont think he is my one. I feel horrible, its never been me to break up with someone, and i still dont know if i can. but i cant keep lieing to myself and to him. its just not right.